WhimsyLand

The catalogs continue to come in thick as thieves.  Today, I received another half-dozen, including (of all things) Pottery Barn Kids.  Other than the fact that there are an insanely large number of expensive items for 4-year olds, the thing that struck me first was that none of the children have the kind of names that dominated the schoolyard I played dodgeball on:  Billy, Joe, Cathy, Beth.  The various personalized items in the catalog enumerate the various Owens and Allrandas and Sampsons and and Haydens.  In fact, fully half of the kids' first names seems like last names.  The catalog contains the usual complement of high-end kid wear, but the most amazing thing to me are the faux adult toys.  These are vacuum cleaners and rug cleaners and blenders that make a lot of sound, cost a lot of money, and don't actually do anything.  Besides the kid-sized dining room furniture, there are ovens and refrigerators and dishwashers, all pint-sized, all expensive, all non-working – and I mean non-working in any functional sense.  I'm sure they're educational, because for example, the Gourmet Kitchen is "loaded with . . . interactive elements that encourage creative play and develop motor skills".  The pint-sized refrigerator, stove, sink, and kitchen island will set you back $1,379 but is that a lot to pay for "an ice machine with four wood ice cubes" and a "soap pump that goes up and down"?

As long as we're doing decadence, there's the Petrossian catalog (stores in Paris, London, New York, and Las Vegas).  One day I may actually buy something from these guys, say, the $28 box containing 12 macaroons.  Meanwhile, I can dream of having the means to send one of my friends the 17.5 ounce tin of Imperial Special Reserve Caviar, which would set me back $12,200 but feeds 8-12 people.  Or I could skimp a little and settle for the somewhat inferior tin of Imperial Special Reserve Stellatus Caviar at $10,900.  That might be a wise move, because then I could afford the Sterling and Crystal Presentoir (although it only holds 250 grams of caviar, surrounded by by ice, topped by a leaping sturgeons, (and do sturgeons really leap?  I'll have to ask Dima), for only $2,815.  When I used to shlep over to Moscow to visit Crazy Tim, who was helping me get a Russian programming staff together, we would wander down to the local farmer's market and there would be this guy with a 6-foot long sturgeon and an axe.  You would ask for a hunk and he would give it to you, though everyone advised that the heavy metals in the flesh would definitely frustrate any attempts of losing weight on a fish diet.  But, as usual, I digress.  Petrossian also offers a selection of foie gras ($300 fora 1.1 pound loaf), the surprisingly reasonable monkfish liver (6.75 ounces for 18 bucks), and of course, should you have your own truffle-sniffing pig, the Silverplated Truffle Shaver for a cool $225.  Not everything is priced at these stratospheric levels, of course.  There are lots of items in the $15 to $50 range, including smoked sturgeon, whitefish salad, a collection of saucissons and prosciutto, and mini blinis.  The dominant items, however, are in the $100 to $200 range, including Dill Marinated Tsar-Cut Salmon and Mother-of-Pearl Caviar spoons.  You have to wonder, with all the investment bankers out of work now, whether they will have to close their New York store.

Residing at the opposite end of the catalog spectrum has to be the What On Earth catalog.  It is so filled with kitch, it almost transcends trashiness and breaks through to the other side.  I ordered a couple of gag gifts for my family (including the impeccable Spock nutcracker), and to my surprise I received the "Thank You For Your Order" super-kitchy catalog.  This 40-page catalog is filled with WOE stuff that they couldn't sell at their normal rational prices.  There are hundreds of T-shirts like the one that says "It's uncredible how well I am at grammer" (which I actually considered for a moment as a parting give for W).  The real hyper-kitch though includes:  The pink Snoopy Puppy Love Lounge Pants;  The Bullet Cribbage Board that comes with "polished empty shell cartridges"; The Hostess Twinkies Cookbook;  the Red Corset Nightlight (which appears to be a "laced up bustier with a fluffy feather boa"); the Welcome to Las Vegas Musical Light with a bar that you push to hear Elvis sing "Viva Las Vegas"; the "Never Go Faster Than Your Guardian Angel Can Fly" garden stepping stone;  the Leopard Skin Print Martini Shaker and Glasses; the wooden plaque that says "Dogs Accept You As The Boss, Cats Want to See a Resume" (which I kinda liked); The Salvador Dali Wristwatch with mustaches that revolve with the hour and minute and an ant that crawls around the dial for the seconds;  the Season One Bill Cosby Show DVD Set (marked down from $44.95 to $19.98); the Mushroom Accept Lamp (don't ask);  the Jesus Loves Me baby bracelet;  the Flamingo Flag Set, which displays a pink flamingo celebrating alternatively, Christmas, Halloween (!), and Saint Patrick's Day (yes, the flamingo has an Irish hat with buckle on);  the Singing High School Musical Gabriella and Troy Figures that launch into "Breaking Free" with the push of a button;  Harry Potter Death Eater masks; the Royal Flush Toilet Seat Cover;  the Insect Computer Mouse with a real beetle or scorpion captured in clear acrylic.  Oh, there's so much more.  The best deal in the catalog are the Pimsleur Language Learning Audios at $29.98 apiece.  I listened to the German set in 1985 and could actually converse with actual Germans when I got there.

More tomorrow.  Or virtual tomorrow, I guess.  Two days ago, I said "see you tomorrow", but forgot I had a board meeting with the Boulder County Art Alliance.  Anyway, I think it will be tomorrow.  Depends upon how much competing, paying work pops up.